Happy Birthday, Wanda June Read online

  I know malaria. Malaria isn't caused by the bites of bats. WOODLY

  You've been bitten by bats? file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (74 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  HAROLD

  Colonel Harper and I once shared a treetop with a family of bats. There was a flash flood. There were piranha fish in the water. That's how Colonel Harper lost his little toe. WOODLY

  You have chills? HAROLD

  Chills, fevers, sweats. You can describe it and name it after yourself: "the Woodly galloping crud." WOODLY enjoys the joke and the blooming friendship.

  HAROLD

  You can also describe its cure. I'm eating its cure. WOODLY

  I was going to ask. HAROLD

  Pacqualinincheewa root. WOODLY

  Would you say that again? HAROLD

  Pacqualinincheewa root. Means "cougar fang." Cures anything but a yellow streak down the back.

  WOODLY

  I've never heard of it. HAROLD

  Congratulations. By crossing twenty-eight feet of cockroach infested carpet, you've become the file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (75 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  third white man ever to hear of it.

  WOODLY

  (fascinated) Are you've seen it work cures?

  HAROLD

  Hundreds. PENELOPE

  I'm so glad you like each other. I was so scared, so scared. HAROLD

  (breaking off a piece, offering it) Have some.

  WOODLY

  Thank you. Thank you very much. PENELOPE

  I believe in miracles now. HAROLD

  Wasn't that sweet of me? WOODLY

  More and more we find ourselves laying aside false pride and looking into the pharmacopoeias of primitive people. Curare, ephedrine--we've found some amazing things. HAROLD

  We have, have we?

  WOODLY

  That's an editorial we, of course. I haven't turned up anything personally. HAROLD

  Everything about you is the file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (76 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  editorial we. Take that away from you, and you'd disappear.

  PENELOPE

  Harold! HAROLD

  I could carve a better man out of a banana!

  PENELOPE

  Please-HAROLD You and your damned bedside manner and your damned little black bag full of miracles. You know who filled that bag for you? Not Alice-sit-by-the-fires like yourself. Men with guts filled it, by God--men with guts enough to pay the price for miracles--suffering, ingratitude, loneliness, death-WOODLY

  (off balance)

  Good Lord.

  HAROLD

  I can just hear the editorial wee wee-weeing when Looseleaf and I start flying in pacqualinincheewa root. I can hear the Alice-sit-by the-fires now: "We discovered it in the Amazon Rain Forest. Now we cure you with it. Now we lower our eyes with becoming modesty as we receive heartfelt thanks." HAROLD suddenly goes to WOODLY, takes his hand and pretends abject gratitude. HAROLD

  Oh, bless you, Doctor, bless you-file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (77 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

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  oh healer, oh protector, oh giver of life.

  WOODLY withdraws his hand, examines it as though it were diseased.

  PENELOPE

  He doesn't deserve this! You don't know him. It isn't fair!

  HAROLD

  He thought he could take my place. It is now my privilege to give an unambiguous account of why I don't think he's man enough to do that. WOODLY

  I thought she was a widow. HAROLD

  You were wrong, you quack! PENELOPE

  Awful. (approaching WOODLY, but not getting too close) I can't tell you how sorry I am.

  HAROLD

  Say hello to your mother. PENELOPE

  (fervently) Do say hello to your mother.

  WOODLY

  I'm taking her to the airport a few minutes from now. She's going to East St. Louis--to visit an aunt. PENELOPE

  Tell her to have a nice trip. WOODLY

  (moving towards the file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (78 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  front door)

  Thanks.

  HAROLD laughs. This stings WOODLY to a cold, peace-loving anger.

  WOODLY

  I'm going to have to report you to the Department of Health.

  HAROLD

  What for? WOODLY

  Quarantine, possibly. You may be suffering from a loathsome disease which the American people could do without. Goodbye. He exits instantly.

  HAROLD

  Now that's what I call fun.

  PENELOPE

  Ghastly, cruel, unnecessary. HAROLD

  You'll get so you enjoy twitting weaklings again. You used to eat it up. PENELOPE

  I did?

  HAROLD

  We were one hell of a pair--and we'll be one again. What we need is a honeymoon. Let's start right now.

  PENELOPE

  A trip, you mean?

  HAROLD

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  I had a trip. We'll honeymoon here. (to PAUL)

  Go out and play.

  PAUL

  Play? HAROLD

  Your mother and I do not wish to be disturbed for three full hours.

  PENELOPE

  He hasn't had breakfast yet. HAROLD

  Buy yourself breakfast. (takes his billfold from his hip pocket, hands PAUL a $100 bill) There we go.

  PAUL

  A hundred dollars! HAROLD

  The smallest thing I've got. PAUL

  Can I get dressed first? HAROLD

  Make it fast. PAUL exits to his bedroom. HAROLD turns to PENELOPE.

  HAROLD

  Honeymoon! Honeymoon! Say it: Honeymoon! PENELOPE

  It's so--so stark. HAROLD

  You used to like it stark! file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (80 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

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  PENELOPE

  Just--bang--we have a honeymoon. HAROLD

  (beginning to stalk her cunningly) I'm not going to strike you. I am going to be as gentle as pie--as lemon meringue pie. You mustn't run away now. This is your loving husband approaching. I'm your husband. Society approves!

  PENELOPE wants to run, but doesn't.

  HAROLD

  Good! You held your ground. HAROLD is very close now, but not touching her. HAROLD

  Now--turn around, if you would. PENELOPE

  Turn around? HAROLD

  (laughing) I'm not about to introduce to you a jungle novelty. What I have in mind is massage--a perfectly decent massage. Turn around, turn around. PENELOPE obeys.

  HAROLD

  I'm going to touch your shoulders very gently now. You mustn't scream.

  (touches her

  shoulders gently, expertly) So tense, so tense.

  PENELOPE

  You shouldn't have talked to file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (81 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  Norbert that way.

  HAROLD

  You're thinking with your brain instead of your body. That's why you're so tense! Forget Norbert. Relax. It's body time. PENELOPE

  I have a brain. HAROLD

  We all do. But now it's body time. Relax. Ideally, the body of a woman should feel like a hot water bottle filled with Devonshire cream. You feel like a paper bag crammed with curtain rods. Think of your muscle
s one by one. Let them go slack. Relax. Let the brain go blank. Relax. That's the idea-that's my girl. Now the small of the back. Let those knots over those kidneys unsnarl. PAUL

  (entering, dressed to go out and play) Dad-HAROLD

  (hanging on to

  PENELOPE, but knowing the mood has been broken) Couldn't you have vanished quietly out the back door?

  PAUL

  A hundred dollars for breakfast? HAROLD

  Leave a tip. PENELOPE

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  (suddenly twisting away, having been

  nearly hypnotized) I have some change!

  HAROLD

  Ram it up your ass! He realizes at once that his violent side has severely damaged the side of him which is the great seducer. PENELOPE and PAUL are straight as ramrods.

  HAROLD

  I do beg your pardon. (sincerely)

  Those words were illy chosen. There is tension in all of us here. Something you must both understand, however, is that the head of this household is home, and he is Harold Ryan, and people do what he says when he says it. That's the way this particular clock is constructed. Lion doorbell roars.

  HAROLD

  Sometimes even I hate that thing. PAUL goes reeling to the door in terror, admits LOOSELEAF, who has also been sleeping in his clothes.

  LOOSELEAF

  (walking right in) I've been looking at motorcycles. HAROLD

  Go home! LOOSELEAF

  You ever own a motorcycle? HAROLD

  (to PENELOPE) You're right! We'll take a trip. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (83 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

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  A trip is what we'll take. (to LOOSELEAF)

  I don't want to talk about motorcycles. I don't want to talk about tits. Go home!

  LOOSELEAF

  Haven't got one. PENELOPE

  (to LOOSELEAF) And you went home unannounced, too?

  LOOSELEAF

  I dunno. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I did. HAROLD

  And how were things? LOOSELEAF

  Let's talk about something else. PENELOPE

  (to HAROLD) Alice got married again.

  LOOSELEAF

  She did? PENELOPE

  You didn't even find that out? LOOSELEAF

  There was so much going on. PENELOPE

  She married an accountant named Stanley Kestenbaum. LOOSELEAF

  So that's it! "Kestenbaum, Kestenbaum." Everybody was yelling "Kestenbaum, Kestenbaum." I thought it was some foreign language. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (84 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

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  HAROLD

  Otherwise, how are things? LOOSELEAF

  I sure didn't expect her to drop dead. PENELOPE

  Dead! LOOSELEAF

  Jesus.

  PENELOPE

  (sick)

  Alice is dead?

  LOOSELEAF

  No, no--shit no. (stops short)

  Excuse me, Penelope.

  PENELOPE

  For what? LOOSELEAF

  For saying "shit." Or is that okay now? PENELOPE

  (shrilly)

  Who's dead?

  LOOSELEAF

  My mother-in-law. Fire engines, pulmotors, doctors, cops, coroners-PENELOPE What happened? LOOSELEAF

  Well--I walked up to the front door. I was still alive. Big surprise. I rang the doorbell, and old Mrs. Wheeler answered. She had her Goddamn knitting. I said, "Guess file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (85 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  who?" She conked right out.

  PENELOPE

  How horrible. LOOSELEAF

  Yeah--cripes. I never did get any sense out of Alice. She found me holding up the old lady, dead as a mackerel. It was a bitch. You know--maybe Mrs. Wheeler was going to die then and there anyway, even if I'd been the paper boy. Maybe not. I dunno, boy. That's civilian life for you. Who knows what kills anybody? HAROLD

  Could have happened to anybody. LOOSELEAF

  First Nagasaki--now this. HAROLD

  How about breakfast, wife? PENELOPE

  Breakfast? HAROLD

  (as though to a waitress) Scrambled eggs, kippered herring, fried potatoes--and a whole onion. I want to eat the onion like an apple. Do you understand? PENELOPE turns away. HAROLD

  And lots of orange juice--oceans of orange juice.

  PENELOPE

  Mrs. Wheeler is dead. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (86 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

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  HAROLD

  All right--bring me a side order of Mrs. Wheeler. (regarding LOOSELEAF, resigning himself to being stuck with his company for a little while longer)

  Oh, hell--sit down, Colonel. Penelope will bring you some chow.

  PENELOPE

  That is the most heartless statement I ever heard pass between human lips. HAROLD

  (honestly mystified) Which one? PENELOPE

  (chokingly) "Bring me a side order of Mrs. Wheeler."

  HAROLD

  She's up in Heaven now. She didn't hear. She is experiencing nothing but pure happiness. There's nothing nicer than that. (suddenly, angrily, slamming a table with his fist)

  Chow! Harold Ryan wants chow!

  PENELOPE

  What a honeymoon. HAROLD

  Honeymoon temporarily canceled. (catching sight of PAUL, whose physical appearance really offends him)

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  The boy should still go out and exercise. I have the impression he never gets any exercise. He simply bloats himself with Fig Newtons and bakes his brains over steam radiators.

  PENELOPE

  You're wrong. HAROLD

  Then let me see him go out and get some exercise. (explosively)

  Right now!

  PAUL goes reeling in terror to the front door, opens it.

  PAUL

  (to HAROLD, abjectly) What kind of exercise? HAROLD

  Beat the shit out of someone who hates you. PAUL exits. HAROLD pounds on a table.

  HAROLD

  Chow, chow, chow! God damn it-nutriment! PENELOPE

  We're all going to have to go out for breakfast. The cook quit yesterday. HAROLD

  You're a woman, aren't you? PENELOPE nods. HAROLD

  Then we have a cook.

  PENELOPE hesitates.

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  HAROLD

  Cook, by God! Cook! You're the nigger now. PENELOPE

  People don't use that word any more. HAROLD

  Don't lecture me on race relations. I don't have a molecule of prejudice. I've been in battle with every kind of man there is. I've been in bed with every kind of woman there is--from a Laplander to a Tierra del Fuegian. If I'd ever been to the South Pole, there'd be a hell of a lot of penguins who looked like me. Cook!

  PENELOPE

  You leave me so--so without-without dignity. HAROLD

  People now have dignity when frying eggs? PENELOPE

  They don't have to feel like slaves.

  HAROLD

  (grandly) Then go now--and fry with dignity-sunnyside up. PENELOPE attempts to respond to this, but is too enraged. She exits, making a tiny mosquito-like hum.

  LOOSELEAF

  I dunno, boy. HAROLD

  The educational process. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (89 of 143) [10/16/
2004 4:36:53 PM]