Happy Birthday, Wanda June Read online

  (to PAUL) You ever hear the story about the boy who carried a calf around the barn every day?

  WOODLY

  He died of a massive rupture. SHUTTLE

  You think you're so funny. You're not even funny. (to PAUL)

  Right? Right? You don't hurt yourself if you start out slow. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (15 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  WOODLY

  You're preparing him for a career in the slaughterhouses of Dubuque? (to PAUL) Take care of your body, yes! But don't become a bender of horseshoes and railroad spikes. Don't become obsessed by your musculature. Any one of these poor, dead animals here was a thousand times the athlete you can ever hope to be. Their magic was in their muscles. Your magic is in your brains!

  PENELOPE enters from the bedroom, dressed for the fight. She wears barbaric jewelry HAROLD gave her years ago, a jaguar-skin coat over her shoulders.

  PENELOPE

  (brightly) Gentlemen! Is this right for a fight? It's been so long.

  SHUTTLE

  Beautiful! I've never seen that coat. PENELOPE

  Seven jaguars' skins, I'm told. Harold shot every one. Shall we go? WOODLY

  (sick about the slain jaguars) Oh no! Wear a coat of cotton--wear a coat of wool. PENELOPE

  What? WOODLY

  Wear a coat of domestic mink. For the love of God, though, Penelope, don't lightheartedly advertise that the last of the jaguars died for you. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (16 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  SHUTTLE

  She's my date tonight. What do you want her to do--bring the poor old jaguars back to life with a bicycle pump? Bugger off! Ask Paul what he thinks. (to PAUL)

  Your mother looks beautiful--right? (PAUL pointedly

  declines to answer) Kid?

  (PAUL walks away from him) Doesn't your mother look nice? (he goes to PAUL,

  wondering what is wrong) Paul?

  PAUL

  (smolderingly)

  I don't care what she wears.

  SHUTTLE

  Something's made you sore. PAUL

  Don't worry about it. SHUTTLE

  You bet I'll worry about it. I said something wrong? PAUL

  (close to angry tears) It's my father's birthday--that's all. (facing everybody, raising his voice) That's all. Who cares about that?

  SHUTTLE

  (horrified, raising his hand to swear an oath) I had not the slightest inkling. (to PENELOPE, feeling betrayed) file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (17 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  Why didn't you say so?

  PAUL

  (bitterly) She doesn't care! She's not married any more! She's going to have fun!

  (to PENELOPE)

  I hope you have so much fun you can hardly stand it.

  (to WOODLY)

  Dr. Woodly--I hope you make up even better jokes about my father than the ones you've said so far.

  SHUTTLE

  (reaching out for PAUL) Kid--kid-PAUL (to SHUTTLE)

  And I wish you'd quit touching me all the time. It drives me nuts!

  SHUTTLE

  (reaching out again) What's this? PAUL

  (recoiling) Don't!

  SHUTTLE

  (aghast)

  You sure misunderstood something-and we'd better get it straight.

  PAUL

  Explain it to them. I'm bugging out of here. He grabs a jacket from a chair. SHUTTLE is in his way.

  PAUL

  Don't touch me. Get out of the way. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (18 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  SHUTTLE

  Men can touch other men, and it doesn't mean a thing. Haven't you ever seen football players after they've won the Superbowl? PENELOPE

  (to PAUL) Where will you be?

  PAUL

  Anywhere but here. I'd just sit here and cry about the way my father's been forgotten. SHUTTLE

  I worship your father. That stuffed alligator your mother gave me--the one he shot? It's the proudest thing in my apartment. PAUL

  (at the door) Everybody talks about how rotten kids act. Grownups can be pretty rotten, too.

  He exits through front door, slams it.

  SHUTTLE

  (heartbroken) Kid--kid-WOODLY

  It's good. Let him go.

  SHUTTLE

  If he'd just come out for the Little League, the way I asked him, he'd find out we touch all the time--shove each other, slug each other, and just horse around. I'm going to go get him-file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (19 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  WOODLY

  Don't! Let him have all the privacy he wants. Let him grieve, let him rage. There has never been a funeral for his father. PENELOPE

  I never knew when to hold it--or who to ask, or what to say. WOODLY

  Tonight's the night. SHUTTLE

  If he'd just get into scouting, and camp out some, and see how everybody roughhouses around the fire-WOODLY What a beautiful demonstration this is of the utter necessity of rites of passage.

  SHUTTLE

  I feel like I've been double crossed. (to PENELOPE, peevishly) If you'd just told me it was Harold's birthday-PENELOPE What then? SHUTTLE

  We could have had some kind of birthday party for him. We could have taken Paul to the fight with us. WOODLY

  Minors aren't allowed at fights. SHUTTLE

  Then we'd stay home and eat venison or something, and look through the file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (20 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  scrapbooks. I've got a friend who has a whole freezer full of striped bass and caribou meat.

  (going to the front door) I'm going to bring that boy back. He exits through front door.

  WOODLY

  (going to PENELOPE) This is very good for us. PENELOPE

  It is? WOODLY

  The wilder Paul is tonight, the calmer he'll be tomorrow.

  PENELOPE

  As long as he keeps out of the park. WOODLY

  After this explosion, I think, he'll be able to accept the fact that his mother is going to marry again. PENELOPE

  The only thing I ever told him about life was, "Keep out of the park after the sun goes down."

  WOODLY

  We've got to dump Shuttle. (pointing to the vacuum cleaner)

  He brings his vacuum cleaner on dates?

  PENELOPE

  That's the XKE. WOODLY

  The what? file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (21 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  PENELOPE

  It's an experimental model. He doesn't dare leave it in his car, for fear it will fall into the hands of competition. WOODLY

  What kind of a life is that? PENELOPE

  He told me one time what the proudest moment of his life was. He made Eagle Scout when he was twenty-nine years old. (clinging to him suddenly) Oh, Norbert--promise me that Paul has not gone into the park!

  WOODLY

  (pause) If you warned him against it as much as you say, it's almost a certainty.

  PENELOPE

  (petrified) No! Oh no! Three people murdered in there in the last six weeks!

  The police won't even go in there any more.

  WOODLY

  I wish Paul luck. PENELOPE

  It's suicide! WOODLY

  I'd be dead by now if that were the case. PENELOPE

  Meaning?

  WOODLY

  file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Ha
ppy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (22 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  Every night, Penelope, for the past two years, I've made it a point to walk through the park at midnight.

  PENELOPE

  Why would you do that? WOODLY

  To show myself how brave I am. The issue's in doubt, you know--since I'm always for peace-PENELOPE I'm amazed. WOODLY

  Me, too. I know something not even the police know--what's in the park at midnight. Nothing. Or, when I'm in there, there's me in there. Fear and nobody and me. PENELOPE

  And maybe Paul. What about the murderers? They're in there! WOODLY

  They didn't murder me. PENELOPE

  Paul's only twelve years old. WOODLY

  He can make the sound of human footsteps--which is a terrifying sound. PENELOPE

  We've got to rescue him.

  WOODLY

  If he is in the park, luck is all that can save him now, and there's plenty of that. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (23 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  PENELOPE

  He's not your son. WOODLY

  No. But he's going to be. If he is in the park and he comes out safely on the other side, I can say to him, "You and I are the only men with balls enough to walk through the park at midnight." (pause) On that we can build.

  PENELOPE

  It's a jungle out there. WOODLY

  That's been said before. PENELOPE

  He'd go to a movie. I think that's what he'd do. If I were sure he was in a movie, I could stop worrying. We could have him paged. Lion doorbell roars. WOODLY

  I hate that thing.

  He opens the door, admits SHUTTLE, who carries a bakery box.

  PENELOPE

  Did you see him? SHUTTLE

  Yeah. PENELOPE

  Is he all right?

  SHUTTLE

  Far as I know. PENELOPE

  file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (24 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  Is he coming home?

  SHUTTLE

  He ditched me. He started running, and I started running, then he lost me in the park. PENELOPE

  The park! SHUTTLE

  It's dark in there. PENELOPE

  And that's where he is! SHUTTLE

  I figure he ducked in one place and ducked out another. PENELOPE

  (disgusted with him) You figure! SHUTTLE

  Then I saw this bakery store that was still open, so I bought a birthday cake. PENELOPE

  A what? SHUTTLE

  For Harold. When Paul comes home, we can have some birthday cake.

  PENELOPE

  How nice. SHUTTLE

  They had this cake somebody else hadn't picked up. It says, "Happy Birthday, Somebody Else." WOODLY

  "Happy Birthday, Wanda June!" file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (25 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  SHUTTLE

  We can take off the "Wanda June" with a butter knife. PENELOPE

  Did you talk to Paul? SHUTTLE

  Before he started to run. He said his father carried a key to this apartment around his neck--and someday we'd all hear the sound of that key in the door. PENELOPE

  We've got to find him. (preparing to exit through front door) I want you to show me exactly where you saw him last.

  (to WOODLY)

  And you stay here, Norbert, in case he comes home.

  (to SHUTTLE)

  That's all he said--the thing about the key?

  SHUTTLE

  He said one other thing. It wasn't very nice. PENELOPE

  What was it? SHUTTLE

  He told me to take a flying fuck at the moon. Blackout.

  SCENE THREE

  DARKNESS. Lights come up on living room. WOODLY is alone, asleep on the couch.

  file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (26 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  HAROLD lets himself and LOOSELEAF in through the front door--quietly. HAROLD has a full beard and a paunch. LOOSELEAF is skinnier. He has a handlebar moustache. Both wear new sports clothes and smoke expensive cigars. HAROLD is calm. LOOSELEAF is nervous, confused. They prowl the room cautiously, checking this and that. HAROLD awakens WOODLY by playing with his feet.

  WOODLY

  (startled) Ooops.

  HAROLD

  (to LOOSELEAF, very amused) Ooops.

  WOODLY

  Can I--uh--help you gentlemen?

  HAROLD

  (moving downstage, feeling at home) Gentlemen--that's nice.

  WOODLY

  (to LOOSELEAF) You startled me.

  LOOSELEAF

  Yeah. We just got here. WOODLY

  I thought you might be burglars-but you're not, I hope. LOOSELEAF

  Nope. (idiotically,

  incapable of deception) I got a lot of stuff.

  WOODLY

  (looking at him closely) You do? file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (27 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  HAROLD

  The door ws unlocked. Is it always unlocked? WOODLY

  It's always locked. HAROLD

  But here you are inside, aren't you? WOODLY

  You're--you're old friends of Harold Ryan? HAROLD

  We tried to be. We tried to be. WOODLY

  He's dead, you know. HAROLD

  Dead! Such a final word. Dead! (to LOOSELEAF)

  Did you hear that?

  LOOSELEAF

  Yup. Telephone rings. WOODLY answers, keeping his eyes on the bizarre guests.

  WOODLY

  Hello? Oh--hello, Mother.

  HAROLD

  (to LOOSELEAF) Hello, Mother.

  WOODLY

  ...Who?... Did she say how far apart the pains were?... When was that?... Oh dear.

  HAROLD

  file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (28 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  Oh dear.

  WOODLY

  Call her back--tell her to head for the hospital. Tell the hospital to expect her. I'll leave right now. He hangs up, faces the intruders.

  WOODLY

  Look--I'm sorry--I have to go. HAROLD

  We'll miss you so. WOODLY

  Look--this isn't my apartment, and there isn't anybody else here. Mrs. Ryan won't be home for a while. HAROLD

  Oh, oh, oh--I thought it was your apartment. You seemed at home here. WOODLY

  I'm a neighbor. I have the apartment across the hall. I have to go to the hospital now. An emergency. HAROLD is unstirred.

  WOODLY

  I mean--I can't leave you here. You'll have to go. I'll tell Mrs. Ryan you were here. You can come back later.

  HAROLD

  Ahh--then she's still alive. WOODLY

  She's fine. Please-HAROLD file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (29 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM] HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

  And still Mrs. Harold Ryan?

  WOODLY

  Will you please go? An emergency! HAROLD

  She still has just the one child-the boy? He moves slowly toward the front door, with WOODLY trying to hustle him and LOOSELEAF out. WOODLY

  Yes! Yes! The boy! One boy! HAROLD

  (stopping) And what, exactly, is your relationship to Mrs. Ryan?

  WOODLY

  Neighbor! Doctor! I live across the hall. HAROLD

  And you come into Mrs. Ryan's apartment as often as you please, looking into various health matters? WOODLY